In this life, we often feel like we are part of something big.. something important. And so, we are taught to feel and act as if everything we do is a part of this great thing. This great plan. Sometimes, we would ask ourselves if we're still on track; to balance our heart, to inform our mind that we haven't lost our way. Because no matter how we think that life is a plan and our future has been mapped, there's still a part of us that notices that something is wrong, that something just doesn't feel right.
If there is a part of our mind that notices that inconsistency of things around us, could this also be a part of the great plan? To give us a chance to notice these loop holes, to think on our own as if there's something that we can do to change our future? To make us believe that we can escape what they have already prepared for us? If the higher beings have already got everything planted, did they also want us to somehow object? To somehow reflect that the plan wasn't that final after all. That humans can change their lives and avert their destiny?
I'm a young woman of twenty-four and I've carried these thoughts with me from the day I started to think. When I was a little girl, I would stare at the other kids through our bedroom window and I would ask myself, why is everyone so happy? Is it because they're playing? I'm also playing but I'm not that happy! When my parents decided to send me to school, I was never allowed to choose where I want to study. Maybe because kids aren't supposed to decide yet. It's always the adults that decide for them. And so I was sent to a public school. I asked my mom why I can't go to that school with a private school bus? I told her that if she send me to that school instead, then she won't have to bring me to school because the bus could do it for her. And that was the first time I heard my mom call me "stupid". She slapped it to my face that we cannot afford to go to a private school because I was not born rich. My mom always gets mad at small things like that.
I grew up thinking that I cannot have the good things in life. I was 11 when my mom sent me to attend a catechism class. She told me that it would help me become a better kid who would obey and respect her parents. I was there early and the nun looked so happy to see me. She walked up to me and asked me "do you believe in God?". I said "Yes, but I think God doesn't love me". The nun was shocked to hear these words from a little girl and so she said "Why did you say so? God loves all of his children". I told her "because I'm a bad girl. God is punishing me that's why she gave me to the people who doesn't see my worth, people who doesn't love me like I love them. God doesn't love me that much that's why I can't have those nice things that the other kids have." The nun saw the other kids come in, and so she told me to listen very closely. She tapped me in the back and told me "God doesn't create those that does not please him. You were created not to be punished but to be a part of something else, something important. Somehow, somewhere you'll find your perfect spot. Just like in a puzzle, if there are 1000 puzzle pieces out there for a particular picture and there are other thousands of pieces for other types of pictures, then you may just be in the wrong picture. All puzzles are created to be solved. Your piece would be placed on its spot someday when the right time comes. All I'm asking is for you not to give up and to not lose your way on the process." I finished the class that day but decided not to continue attending the following classes. I told my mom that churches make me dizzy and that I almost lost consciousness. That wasn't so hard of a lie to make because when I was 8, i guess, i puked inside the church while singing "Lamb of God". My family called me an anti-Christ after that incident. And so my mom, judging me that I am indeed an anti-Christ decided to grant my wish and took me out of the catechism sessions.
I was never an anti-Christ. I was just giving God his space. I am distant, i guess but I never forgot those puzzle thingies that the nun told me about. I then devised a plan to rid myself of my misery. I need to change this part of my life or get out of it. I need to somehow try to avert my destiny, my part in this big theatrical play. If God still loves me like the nun told me, then he'll let me use that part of my mind that tells of this inconsistency, this "something is definitely wrong with my life". Somehow, that part that tackles my being part of a something important bugs me. My family needed someone to boss around and do their bidding. Is that my purpose? My friends would use me as a companion so they can have someone to be with. Is that my other purpose?
Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine who is very much in love with his girlfriend. This love makes him happy, makes him complete. It nourishes him and makes him a better person with feelings and emotions. They were the perfect couple, she understands him and he understands her. That love made him commit to a life with her forever. He loves watching the stars with her and serenading her with a song he personally chose for her. And then one day, this great plan of the higher being carried out itself. The girl has to leave and go to a better place. But that special love they had made her go back to him every once in a while and become his guardian, his angel. Something that only she can do, something that only she is capable of. She would remind him every time he's down that she'll still be there for him and would guide him if he loses his way. And because this guy is a very special guy, he moved on with his life carrying the wish of his love to continue living his life, free of her memory.
Years passed and this guy came to my life as a very special friend. We spent most of our time laughing, making fun of other people while eating in a fast food chain. We would play the same computer game and we would go out and eat dinner together. We were good friends, best friends and best friends aren't supposed to fall in love with each other, but we did. It was a very special love, something I've never felt before. It was so powerful that it made me realize that this is where I would like my perfect spot to be. With him, forever. And I still am. He is now my husband and we're about to have 2 kids. Our eldest is a very handsome boy who knows that he is deeply loved by his parents. Something that I failed to experience when I was his age. His life with me is very different from his life with her. Nothing can compare to what they used to have, but I know that what we have now is just as special and as unique. She'll always and forever be his angel and I'll always be his honeybuns. I don't care about the hierarchy, I don't care which one is more important. A person's life is composed of his past, his present and his future. You miss any of these and you're life won't be complete. That special girl is his past, but I am his present and will be his future. These two girls in his life make him complete and that is what really matters. I was wrong after all. God loves me and yes, I can have the good things in life. Not just good, but great things. I can have this great guy whom I wake up and smell the fresh air with in the morning and this great family we have built together. I can have a very good son and another child to make us more happy. Because good things aren't toys, and great food and going to private schools. Good things are those that money cannot buy and those things are just the ones that I can afford to have.
Somewhere, somehow, in a vast collection of puzzle pieces, one being is entitled to put these pieces together to create a perfect picture. No matter how hard a person tries to change his future, no matter how hard he tries to escape from his destiny, in the end, he'll still be a part of something big, something important. If the sole purpose for my creation is to fill that gap and make other people complete, then I'm happy. Being that piece that completes others spells I-M-P-O-R-T-A-N-C-E to me. That is a simple yet a very creative reason for my existence.
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